Things Kids Say

Ok, so some of you might remember my  Things I Never Thought I'd Say post. This is the kids version. Sometimes my kids say things that just make me laugh.

No Nakie Boy picture,
but this is his other
super hero outfit

• Today Higgins asked if we could go to a golf course one day (big fan of put-putt). Bernardo replies, "Yeah. I know how to play golf. You just whack a ball into a hole."
• Octopuses are cool; they pee in the ocean.
• I nakie boy! (Said while standing completely naked in traditional super hero pose: legs apart and fists on hips.)
• Mommy, those cars don't have pants on.
• Mom, can I have some of those packing peanuts to eat? (He meant circus peanuts.)
• As we are leaving the house, the dog tries to come with us. Higgins tells the dog, "No, Dog, you're going to stay here with the toys."
• Bernardo: "Why isn't the store green if they call it Walgreens?"
• Daddy, why are you dressed like a grizzly bear? (My husband came in wearing a brown wool sweater.)
• Mom, can I have some of that old candy you gave us? (I gave them a Bit O Honey bar to share and told them it was an old-fashioned type of candy.)
• Me: "Higgins, did you poop?" (We're potty training.). Higgins: "No." Me: "Someone pooped. It smells like you did." Higgins: "Aunt N pooped my pants." Me: "Aunt N pooped in your pants?" Higgins: "Yup." (Aunt N lives roughly 900 miles away.)
• Bernardo: "I can't wait to be a grown up." Me: "Why?" Bernardo: "So I can stay up late and watch violent movies and drink coffee with Daddy." 
• Crying from the family room....Me: "What happened?". Higgins: "I got hurt.". Me: "How?". Higgins: "...Doing something bad."
• Bernardo: "Mom, I'm gloomy today. That means sad."
• Diaper rash is poopy's friend. (My son's response when I told him if he pooped in the potty, he wouldn't get diaper rash anymore.)
• Thank you doggie for cleaning up my chair. (Aka licking all the spaghetti off that didn't make into my son's mouth.)
• Bernardo, "Mom, does Aunt N have kids?" Me, "No." Bernardo, "Well, I wish Aunt N. would get married already!" (He apparently wants more built in playmates.)
• After reading "George Flies A Kite", Higgins tells me "Mommy, we should get doggie a bunny." I replied, "the dog would eat the bunny". Higgins rebuts, "we could keep it away from doggie". So to clarify, Higgins wants to get the dog a pet bunny that she isn't allowed to see or play with.
• From the bathroom: Bernardo, "Why did you pee on my leg and shorts!?". Higgins, "I don't know."
• Bernardo: "Mom, is the neighbor's kid in Kindergarten or College?" Me: "I think he's at college." Bernardo: "Wow, he must be really old." I must be ancient; I've been out of college for 10 years now.
• Me: "My head hurts this morning." Bernardo: "Why? Have you been using it too much?"
• Higgins: "Ha ha. He's licking his wiener."  



"Ha Ha. He's licking his wiener."

Bathroom Conversations

My oldest son started talking before he was 1 and hasn't stopped since. From the time he wakes up to the time he sleeps, it is non-stop talking. It's not just at home either. Bernardo likes to give me the play by play in public bathrooms. I suppose it's partly my fault. He's allowed to go into the stall by himself and lock the door, but he has to wait for me to say it's ok to unlock and come out. Why does he have to wait you ask? Because sometimes I have to go to! This last monologue took place in the grocery store bathroom. Luckily no one else was in there, but in the past he has been known to crack up the older ladies in other stalls.

Grocery Store Bathroom Monologue by Bernardo
I'm pushing out the poo...Ok, I'm done going poo. I have to wipe my butt. The toilet paper's a little high, but I'm sure I can reach it...Sometimes when my butt hurts it means I have to go poo. This bathroom sure is clean. Is pee the drinks your body didn't use?...


*Sigh.* Oh, well. I'm just grateful it was a quick, easy poo. When he "has to go poo, but the poo doesn't want to come out", I hear updates every 15 seconds or so on the pooping situation.

Does anyone else have a talker? Please post in the comments if you do! Thanks.

Things I Never Thought I'd Say

Before I had kids, there were things that never even crossed my mind that I would one day say. Now as a mom, there are moments of clarity when I realize what I just said. Here's a few of them.

• Don't color on your weenie!
• If you have to adjust yourself, go to the bathroom or your bedroom! 
• Don't poop on the floor! Don't pick it up!
• It's not funny to pee on Mommy. (Said while the culprit is still giggling to himself.)
• Explain what sexy means (after my oldest heard "I'm Sexy And I Know It" on the radio). In case you were wondering,  sexy means you think someone is cute and want to make kissey faces. (My oldest currently thinks it's gross when my husband and I kiss. It's the best I could come up with at the time.)
• Explain why it's not ok to sing "I'm Sexy And I Know It".
• Explain why Mommy doesn't have a weenie.  Shortly followed by "No, you won't have boobies when you get older."
• The good old standby, "Because I Said So!" (Seriously, I hated this as a kid and swore I wouldn't say it. But I've realized, in great thanks to my sister in law's wisdom and my own kids, that toddlers just don't understand logic yet. Once they do, they try to out-logic you!)
• Pull your pants up before you leave the bathroom!
• Don't put a toy in your diaper (as he tries to sneak a toy to bed).
• Don't wipe your nose on me!
• Don't eat the flowers! (We have grape flowers in the yard, and he told me they looked like berries.)

Above mentioned grape flowers.

What's The Weirdest Thing You've Found In Your Child's Bed?

My kids have certain lovies that they cannot sleep without (I had a blanket, so I can't really complain about a stuffed animal or two). However, in addition to that, my youngest is constantly trying to sneak things into his bed. For example, he has a favorite pair of boots and Crocs that routinely end up in bed with him (sometimes on his feet, sometimes not).

There are some things I have to do before I go to bed or I can't sleep. One of those is checking on the kids and making sure everything is alright. One night, he had kicked all his covers down, so I went to put them back on him and heard something heavy hit the floor. I bent down to get it. Guess what it was? A potato! Not a play potato from his play kitchen, but a real potato he had taken out of my kitchen. To this day, I have no idea why.

Last night, when I checked on him, I saw one of his slippers sticking out of the covers. I decided to see what else he had hidden in there. Here's what else I found: 13 stuffed animals (a few of his brother's were thrown in there too), 1 Nerf gun, 1 metal kitchen play spoon, 1 pair Crocs, 1 ninja, 2 cups of water, his 2 pillows, and his blankets.

Please share what's the weirdest thing you've found in your child's bed!